You are so fat.
You are ugly, your feet are too big, your eyes are too small.
No one cares about your problems, it's your own fault if you get hurt or sick.
People only pretend that they like you, if they knew who you really were they'd leave.
You don't have anything to offer, you're just not good enough.
And don't forget that your body looks disgusting and it's your own fault.
Harsh words! Can you imagine saying these things to someone, or having someone say these things to you?!
I can.
Most of my life I've had these things spoken to me. Pounded into me as if they were the truth. They started when I was a very little girl.
And I must confess that I was the one who was saying them to myself.
It's difficult for me to write about this. But I am learning that if I have struggled with something, then that means that someone else is probably struggling also! I am not the only woman who has ever felt hatred for herself and her body.
And so I am choosing to share with you, in the hopes that someone else will realize that they are not alone in this struggle. To share hope that God brings healing and freedom from this.
My negative body image has been with me as long as I can remember.
It is a familiar feeling, and sometimes familiar feelings begin to look and sound like truth to us.
About 4 years ago, I found a picture of myself that was taken about 10 years earlier. I had gained quite a bit of weight since this picture was taken. Actually a lot of weight!
I cried as I looked at it.
I told myself, "Look at your body now, you're so fat and ugly and you did this to yourself, you don't deserve to be loved."
I remember thinking that if I could just lose enough weight and get myself back down to the size i was in this picture, then I would be happy, and pretty, and lovable.
Then another thought came to my mind and I said to myself, "Jen, when this picture was taken, you hated your body! You thought you were fat, ugly, and not worthy to be loved. Do you really think it would be any different if you were back to that size?"
Wow, it was like a moment of clarity! I realized that the hatred I felt for myself actually had nothing to do with the way my body looked!
What?! How can that be?!
Our society tells us in so many ways that skinny=happy. Pretty=lovable. Small and cute=acceptable.
I had believed that my worth was tied to my size and the way I viewed my body, that my value was linked to how I felt I physically compared to other women.
If my happiness, my worth, my ability to love and be loved, was actually not tied in the way I looked, they where would I find it? This question stirred something inside of me. It was as though Truth spoke louder than the lies I had believed my whole life.
I wish I could say that I suddenly loved myself in that moment, that the lies stopped, and I no longer struggled with hating my body! But it's been a long journey!
For the past year and a half God has been showing me that if I want to love others and have compassion for them, then I need to first learn how to love myself.
Many of the struggles I've had in my marriage and in raising my children, and in my friendships, are connected to the way I spoke to myself.
I would tell myself that I was disgusting and unlovable, and that would make me angry and filled with fear that people would hate me and not want me in their lives. And I would often react to situations as if it were true.
God showed me that when I felt loved by Him, when I spoke kindly to myself, then I was able to pour love into my family, and into other people, without fear of being rejected.
He is teaching me to recognize lies and to fill my mind with his Truth.
To be honest, this was hard to do, especially at first.
Because the old way of self-talk was so familiar to me, it felt safe and true even though it hurt me. It sounds crazy when I say it, but it was how I felt!
I have begun to let God tell me who I am rather than listening to myself. And then I repeat those things to myself and let them soak in. He tells me that I am loved and fully known by him. That He has a purpose for my life. That He created me because he loves me. That my strength and worth comes from who He is. That his love and acceptance for me is not dependent on what I do or don't do, but it is based on what He has done for me. I am fully loved, fully known, fully accepted by my Heavenly Father! And this truth, this reality, frees me to love myself and to love others the same way!
The Bible tells us to love others the way we love ourselves. If we can't love ourselves because we are listening to lies, then we need to ask God to show us how he sees us! To let his Truth push out the lies that we have believed about ourselves.
We were designed by God to be loved and accepted. We need to talk to ourselves the way the he does! As we do this, an amazing thing happens: we are able to give love freely, to turn our focus off of our selves and on to things that truly matter.
I want to encourage you to ask God to teach you how to love yourself the way that He designed. Spend time with Him, read scriptures that tell you who you are, fill your mind with Truth.
Practice saying caring and loving things to yourself! When I look in the mirror lies come and point out my flaws, but I have begun to push them away by speaking gently and lovingly to my body. It's amazing how by doing this, I am able to give love and accept love so much easier!
Speak to yourself the way you would speak to someone you dearly love. And love other people the way you love yourself!
