Who Am I?

I have a memory from when I was quite young, maybe 5 years old.
I remember sitting up on the bathroom counter and staring into the mirror. My nose was only about an inch away and I looked deeply into my reflection.
I studied every feature on my face: my nose, my chin, my freckles, eyebrows, cheeks, my eyes.
I remember looking at my eyes in the mirror, trying to see past my reflection and into something deeper. I was crying, and asking myself "who are you?" It was as though I knew that there was more to me than just the image I saw in the bathroom mirror.
I was more than just a physical body with features that caused me to look different than someone else, there was a part of me that I couldn't see.

I tried looking harder into the mirror, tears were pouring out of my eyes, and I continued asking "who am I?" 

It's hard to explain this feeling in words, but this memory is so vivid in my mind that it feels like it could have happened recently, rather than 30+ years ago! I just knew that there was something deeper and more real inside of me.

Fast forward a few years to high school.
I was in grade 12 and was working on a project for my Family Studies class. I had chosen to do my assignment on adoption. This topic has been something very close to my heart, as I had been adopted when I was 2 weeks old.
Growing up in my home, adoption was openly talked about, I knew that I was loved and belonged in my family.
Mine had been a closed adoption, so we did not have much information about my birth mother. But I remember asking my parents lots of questions about it, and they would answer the best they could. I knew that one day I could look for my birth mother, if I chose to, and that my parents would support me in that and even wanted to meet her too one day.

As I worked on my grade 12 assignment, I read books and articles on adoption, and I was amazed at how often the word identity kept popping up.
I read stories written by or about people who had been adopted, and so often there was this feeling that some part of their identity was missing. And there was often the suggestion that in order to find out who they were, they needed to find out their biological family history.
For this project I was able to interview a couple people, also high school students, who also were adopted and willing to answer questions. The subject of identity came up again and again.
"Who am I? Where do I fit in?" These questions came up many times as I worked on this assignment. It seemed to be so common in people who had been adopted.
I thought back to my own experiences with these questions and how they had started at such a young age for me. Could this be my problem too?
Though at the same time I wondered that if I had interviewed other people who hadn't experienced adoption, if they would share similar feelings? It seemed to me that many people that I knew were also searching for something.

I would look at other people and their families, and see how they resembled each other: same nose, smile, eyes, things that made them look like they were part of their family. I longed for that, I thought that somehow if I could see where I got my physical features from that I would feel more complete.

A few years later I was able to meet my biological mother, and her extended family. It was an amazing experience, but a long story for another day!
I was able to learn things such as family medical history, and where my ancestors came from. I thought that knowing some of these things would help me understand and know where I came from and who I was.
I remember one of the uncles mentioned how I had the "family nose"! Everyone was pointing out the physical similarities they saw between me and them.
That night I went to bed feeling very confused. Wasn't there more to me than this?
I remember thinking "how dare they try to say who I am because I have a certain nose, or eyes!" I had this powerful realization that my identity went way deeper than this.
Finding my biological family, especially my birth mother had been a beautiful experience, but it had in no way answered the question "who am I?".

So what was it?
Where were these feelings coming from?
Finding out where I got my physical features from hadn't answered this question. Why?

Could it be that the real question came form a place much deeper?

Maybe at 5 years old, I had understood a bit better.
Then, I had looked past what I saw in the mirror and tried to see something deeper inside of me? Could it be that I was aware that I also had a spiritual part?
What I had been trying to see was my spirit, the true me, who I really am!

And I am beginning to see that if I really want to find out who I am, where I fit in, then I need to look to God, the One who created me! My identity can only truly be found in Him.
If I want to find the answer to this question that has been burning inside me since I was a little girl, then I must look to my Heavenly Father for the answers!
And he good and he does answer!
The Bible tells us that we are created in the image of God! The Bible also says that He formed us in the womb, that he even knew us before we were formed! He created our inmost being, our very soul!
Our true identity, our spirit's identity, this is what so many people are searching for, and it can only be found in God.

The Gift of Comfort

I remember the day that my parents brought our little wiener dog Chi-Chi to the vet to be put down. I was only about 9 or 10 years old.
 I had never experienced the pain of loss like this before, and I felt like my heart was breaking.
I remember. so clearly, standing in the shower and feeling like the tears would never stop.
It hurt so badly.
I prayed and told God that I needed him to fix things and take this hurt away because I couldn't handle it.
Suddenly, I felt peace.
 I'll never forget that moment.
One second I was crying as though my heart was broken, and the next second I was filled with such peace and calmness. Nothing had changed, my special little dog was still gone, but inside of me everything had changed.
God had heard my prayer and had comforted me, and that powerful moment has forever been solidly stuck in my memory and has become a part of who I am.
 I a moment I had experienced true comfort from my Heavenly Father, and that moment forever changed something inside of me.

Last week was a tough one for me.  My little dog Zoe had to get a small
operation done at the vet. While she was having that done, the vet noticed some awful things about her teeth and informed us that she needed to have them all removed asap. This was not something we were prepared for!

I came home and cried, I felt awful for my little pup and was filled with worry for her and about how we would pay for these unexpected vet bills.
I spent most of the next day in bed.

Fears and worries overwhelmed me. I didn't know what to do, the dental surgery would cost way more than what we could afford right now, but without doing it, Zoe would be suffering so badly. I considered the idea of having to put her down because of costs. But she was still young and so healthy otherwise...
I laid in bed and prayed.
I asked God to heal my little dog, or to let her peacefully pass away in her sleep so that we wouldn't have these extra bills. or have to make tough decisions. This was more than I could handle.
God could fix this, I believed it!

But I also knew that there were always going to be difficult things coming at me throughout my life. We live in a world where there is sickness. death, decay, and pain. Those things are here because sin is in our world.
Yes, God could fix this situation with Zoe, but what about the next hard thing that happens? And the next thing?
I felt like he wanted to use this situation to teach me something about himself. He is a great teacher and I'm learning to trust Him.
So I pushed past my ideas of what I thought that I needed, and allowed him to work the way he knew that I needed. He showed me that what is even more powerful than him "fixing everything" was letting him comfort me in the midst of hurt and uncertainty. It's a powerful thing because it stops fear and worry in their tracks. I don't have to wait until everything if perfect before I can have Peace.

He reminded me about when my dog had died when I was young, and how he hadn't brought her back but instead gave me His peace in the midst of that difficult time. And he reminded me of how life changing it had been for me, even at such a young age.
I thought of the verse in Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
I felt his comfort and reassurance flood though my mind and my soul once again.
I could give him all of the doubts and worries that this situation was bringing up inside of me, and not only would he take them, but he would also replaced them with a sense of calmness and comfort.

To be comforted, by the One who created me and knows me better than I know myself, is a life changing thing.

I thought back to a few days earlier, when I held one of my children in my arms and listened to them sob as they shared with me some hurtful comments that were spoken to them while at school. I cried with them and allowed God to speak Truth into them through my words. I watched as God used me to comfort and encourage my child. I wished I could have prevented them from ever being hurt in the first place, but yet this opportunity for me to hold them and pray with them and speak truth into their lives was something so valuable.
I hate seeing my children hurting and struggling with things. But I've realized, over the years, that it's often during those times that our bond is strengthened and they see that they can trust us and depend on us as their parents. It's a gift to be able to comfort them.

And I think that it's that way in our relationship with God also.

He hurts when we are hurting, but when we allow him to comfort us, it deepens out trust and dependency in him.
He wants to be everything that we need.
He wants us to run to him with our hurts, our fears, our anxieties, and to allow him to comfort us and to strengthen us in the middle of what we are going through.

Being comforted is a beautiful and powerful thing, but there must first be a need to be comforted.
I am learning that it is ok to go through difficult things: emotionally, physically, financially, in relationships, in whatever we are facing.
God, our Heavenly Father, wants to comfort us, and to give us his peace and strength in those times. There are miracles that happen inside of comfort!